I have issues with my father.

I don’t even know that I necessarily feel comfortable calling him that, as the man that I have issues with, in no way resembles the man that I remember as my dad.

This hurts.

This is painful.

I saw him this weekend.  I knew he was going to be there, but having not seen him for over a year and having only spoken to him once in the past year it was awkward.

He looked really sad.  He looked really different.  He looked unhappy.  He looked older.

But that didn’t change the rush of feelings that I had.

I was angry.  I was upset.  I was furious.

It makes me very angry to have happy memories of him from when I was young.  It makes me upset to remember better times.  It makes me furious when I think of what has happened in the past 17 years.

I look at him and know that he has no idea who I am. 

But then I look again and know that I don’t know him either.  Not the him he is now.

I think of all of the times that I tried and tried to make things better…and I wish someone – he or my mother – would have told me that I was just a kid and that they shouldn’t tell me the things that they did.

I never want my children to grow up and blame me for their actions based on decisions I made for my life while they lived with me…and yet to know the man who is my father show no conscience at all for his decisions that flipped all of our worlds on end…that I don’t know that I will ever come to grips with.

I will say that the lyrics to these two song sums it up the best for me, and ever since I first heard them, I cannot listen to them without crying…

 

 

(My Immortal – Evanescence)
___________________________________________________

Now I will tell you what I’ve done for you
50 thousand tears I’ve cried
Screaming deceiving and bleeding for you
And you still won’t hear me (going under)
Don’t want your hand this time I’ll save myself
Maybe I’ll wake up for once (wake up for once)
Not tormented daily defeated by you
Just when I thought I’d reached the bottom
I’m dying againI’m going under
Drowning in you
I’m falling forever
I’ve got to break through
I’m going under

 

 

So I have issues that I don’t know how to deal with. 

I don’t know how to get past it. 

I don’t know if I can.

Well, my weekend didn’t exactly go as planned…

Brian had managed to get a night off from work, my friend had agreed to watch the boys so we could have some alone time as we drove to northern WI. to attend my cousins wedding.

This was not to be as the guy (liar) who was to cover for Brian while he had a (ONE!!!) night off (from his SEVEN days a week job) went to the hospital with kidney stones (miraculously making it into work both Friday and Saturday night which would have allowed Brian to leave had he ((liar)) said beforehand that he really didn’t think he would make it into work).

So, Friday night I traveled on alone (Mommy guilt be danged as I felt like maybe I should take the boys as there would be no ‘connecting’ with Brian this weekend).  My goal was to make it past Madison and get a hotel, but thanks to a wonderful tip/drink suggestion from my brother (Rockstar Mocha – LOVE IT!!) I had the energy to drive until just after one a.m. making it all the way to the wedding location…my thought being that I would be able to sleep in the next morning. 

Shaa – yeah right!

Mommy mind was back when my brain revolted at 6:30 saying I should have been up over an hour before (even though I really didn’t make it to bed until 2 a.m.)!  Ahh!  Pre-Children I could have slept until 11 – never again!

Anyway, my siblings and mother joined me later…

…and we made it to the wedding of the Mr. & Mrs VS – Mark & Katie.

 

After, we all traveled along with aunts, uncles and cousins to a fun little bar on the river.  Later, we moved back to the hotel lobby bar and then on to the appetizer/meal portion of the evening.

Then…well…we all had a very good time, and I will not be posting any of the pictures from those moments.

But really…I couldn’t stop thinking about Brian.  I couldn’t stop thinking that this was supposed to be our weekend together.  And it was really, really hard to be around so much love and happiness and feel like day by day that that keeps slipping away for Brian and I.  That part stunk.

All in all though, I am so glad that I went.  So glad that I got to recharge.  So glad that I got to have a great time with family.