September 27, 2008

Although just two of the grandchildren are standing up here right now, rest assured that what is said now comes directly from the perspectives of all 22 of John VanSomeren’s grandchildren.

Each grandchild contributed to the eulogy today by writing down memories, stories, jokes, quotes and lessons.

This is a painful time for every one of us, each of us is a unique “VanSomeren” and we will handle the coming weeks and months in different ways. However, we have a special opportunity to be of a collective mind as we say goodbye.

An amazing thing happened when each of us were asked to write about our memories…all 22 of us invested our hearts and souls into to trying to narrow down our thoughts. It will be a long and precious document when all of it is compiled and it will be a gift to us as we grieve.

The overwhelming theme from each of the grandchildren was how he cherished each one of us.

This says a lot about a person who consistently and genuinely treats you like you are a treasure.  A person who treats you like there is all the time in the world to talk and that is completely “in the moment” when you are together makes a permanent impression on your soul.

Everyone jokingly claimed to be grampa’s favorite grandchild, and the truth is that his favorite grandchild was always the one that he was with…that was how he made each of us feel, he was invested in us, and he was stealthily teaching us how to treat each other …he was so good at it, he was so genuine, that when any fellow grandchild claimed “I’m the favorite”, we laughed on the inside, naively confident that we in fact had that title locked up.

Yes, his departure from our lives stings, this hurts and maybe all of this was beyond his wildest dream, but, look, here we all are, connected because of him. We have learned from him and his legacy lives on in our lives and in the lives of our children, his treasured greatgrandchildren…our lives and the way we continue his live out the principles he taught us, spreads out from Baldwin…across the entire world from Iowa to England, from Seattle to Boston, from Wisconsin to Florida, and even as far as Tokyo.

It may be hard to see right now, but in the midst of death and grief, there are blessings given to us. None of us will ever forget that all 22 grandchildren were together, for the first time in 13 years. Look at what grampa and gramma created! Contemplate the impact we make on the world every day, we carry his name with us, he was our leader, our teacher, the quintessential patriarch.

Dear Grampa,

Thank you for your sense of humor, showing us the power of a small gesture and for being selfless and kind.

Thank you for loving your role as a grandfather and great-grandfather, your drive and determination, and ensuring that we were all brought up in the church.

Thank you for your even-keel attitude, teaching us how to give a good hug, insisting that we learn that family comes first and for showing us the value of hard work.

Thank you for your humble and subtle way of showing your approval and pride and always making us feel welcome in your home.

Thank you for your unconditional love, and showing us in quiet and meaningful ways how to live a Christian life.

Thank you for the gift that through your passing we were able to be together to celebrate your life.

Love, your favorite grandchild,

Brian, Gretchen, Anna, Corey, Chris, Matt, JohnDavid, Kirk, Erin, Michelle, Kim, Nick, Robyn, Scott, Nate, Denise, Paul, Renee, Seth, Mark, Leah and Kelly.

I know I haven’t posted for a while.

There is so much going on.

I don’t know what to say.

I’m stressed.  I’m beyond busy.  I’m alone and disconnected.  I’m sad.

And through all of this, I simply have too much going on to deal with emotions.

That’s me – hate to ask for help – hate to rely on someone else to pull me through.

Let’s try to NOT pass this trait on to my children.

…that’s all I’ve got for right now.

So last week, my 95 year old Grandfather fell and cracked his vertebrae.  Long story short, it was a rough road last week with dr.s saying that he was lucky to be alive…and today I receive a phone call from my sister saying that his kidneys had failed and that my Grandmother and aunts, uncles and father had made the decision to pull his life support (he has been unresponsive a day after it happened).

While we live 6 hours away now – I used to live in the same town as all of my family until I went away to college.  EVERY Sunday was spent at my Grandparents house and I have so many memories of him when I was a kid.

But I think the hardest part for me is my thinking of my Grandmother…and I wonder, “How do you do it?”

How do you say goodbye?

How do you kiss your loves lips for the last time and know that you will never be able to do that again?

How do you share your whole life with someone…go through wars, 6 kids and over 50 years…and then in one moment…it is all gone.

My prayers are with her…because I don’t know how she can do this…

I have issues with my father.

I don’t even know that I necessarily feel comfortable calling him that, as the man that I have issues with, in no way resembles the man that I remember as my dad.

This hurts.

This is painful.

I saw him this weekend.  I knew he was going to be there, but having not seen him for over a year and having only spoken to him once in the past year it was awkward.

He looked really sad.  He looked really different.  He looked unhappy.  He looked older.

But that didn’t change the rush of feelings that I had.

I was angry.  I was upset.  I was furious.

It makes me very angry to have happy memories of him from when I was young.  It makes me upset to remember better times.  It makes me furious when I think of what has happened in the past 17 years.

I look at him and know that he has no idea who I am. 

But then I look again and know that I don’t know him either.  Not the him he is now.

I think of all of the times that I tried and tried to make things better…and I wish someone – he or my mother – would have told me that I was just a kid and that they shouldn’t tell me the things that they did.

I never want my children to grow up and blame me for their actions based on decisions I made for my life while they lived with me…and yet to know the man who is my father show no conscience at all for his decisions that flipped all of our worlds on end…that I don’t know that I will ever come to grips with.

I will say that the lyrics to these two song sums it up the best for me, and ever since I first heard them, I cannot listen to them without crying…

(My Immortal – Evanescence)
___________________________________________________

Now I will tell you what I’ve done for you
50 thousand tears I’ve cried
Screaming deceiving and bleeding for you
And you still won’t hear me (going under)
Don’t want your hand this time I’ll save myself
Maybe I’ll wake up for once (wake up for once)
Not tormented daily defeated by you
Just when I thought I’d reached the bottom
I’m dying againI’m going under
Drowning in you
I’m falling forever
I’ve got to break through
I’m going under

So I have issues that I don’t know how to deal with. 

I don’t know how to get past it. 

I don’t know if I can.

Well, my weekend didn’t exactly go as planned…

Brian had managed to get a night off from work, my friend had agreed to watch the boys so we could have some alone time as we drove to northern WI. to attend my cousins wedding.

This was not to be as the guy (liar) who was to cover for Brian while he had a (ONE!!!) night off (from his SEVEN days a week job) went to the hospital with kidney stones (miraculously making it into work both Friday and Saturday night which would have allowed Brian to leave had he ((liar)) said beforehand that he really didn’t think he would make it into work).

So, Friday night I traveled on alone (Mommy guilt be danged as I felt like maybe I should take the boys as there would be no ‘connecting’ with Brian this weekend).  My goal was to make it past Madison and get a hotel, but thanks to a wonderful tip/drink suggestion from my brother (Rockstar Mocha – LOVE IT!!) I had the energy to drive until just after one a.m. making it all the way to the wedding location…my thought being that I would be able to sleep in the next morning. 

Shaa – yeah right!

Mommy mind was back when my brain revolted at 6:30 saying I should have been up over an hour before (even though I really didn’t make it to bed until 2 a.m.)!  Ahh!  Pre-Children I could have slept until 11 – never again!

Anyway, my siblings and mother joined me later…

…and we made it to the wedding of the Mr. & Mrs VS – Mark & Katie.

After, we all traveled along with aunts, uncles and cousins to a fun little bar on the river.  Later, we moved back to the hotel lobby bar and then on to the appetizer/meal portion of the evening.

Then…well…we all had a very good time, and I will not be posting any of the pictures from those moments.

But really…I couldn’t stop thinking about Brian.  I couldn’t stop thinking that this was supposed to be our weekend together.  And it was really, really hard to be around so much love and happiness and feel like day by day that that keeps slipping away for Brian and I.  That part stunk.

All in all though, I am so glad that I went.  So glad that I got to recharge.  So glad that I got to have a great time with family.

When you’re down to nothing…Gods up to something.

Worry looks around.

Sorry looks back.

Faith looks up.

While I realize that the verse posted before/below is probably more directed towards those having struggles while doing “more and above” for the kingdom of Christ — it still gives me hope that He is in this with us and that there is a reason for all of this.

I am ANGRY…

I am frustrated…

I am lonely…

I am sad…

I am conflicted…

I am peeved…

And then we read this verse tonight in our small group: 

…though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials.  These have come so that your faith – of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire – may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.  1 Peter 1:6-7

Words that couldn’t have come at a better time!

Through my broken self – through my discouragement – may I be drawn closer to Him; and may my faith be proved genuine. 

This I will hold on too.

This will I pray.

Tonight Nicks friends Silas came over to play – and all three of the boys had a great time together!  It always amazes me – and I love it – that some may buy their kids the most expensive toys…but give these two a tape measure, and the sky’s the limit on imagination and creativity!

And of course then there’s Tator – who is just happy with crayons!  Check out the concentration on that little face!

This blog was created for several reasons 1) to let our families and friends who live further away still know what is going on in our lives and see updated pictures of the boys and ourselves, and 2) to keep a running documentation of what our daily lives are like, as at some point my memory will fade, and unless I get my tush in gear with my scrapbooks, this will be the only thing my children have to look back on as a record of their and our lives.

That being said, I cannot leave items out that are unpleasant, as our life is not all roses.

So that is my disclaimer…read on if you will.

It is frustrating for me to hear people makes comments regarding the strike at Brians place of employment and hear “Poor Brian” “This must be hard on him” “How is Brian holding up.”  While I don’t feel that I am a what-about-me type of person, I want to scream “This is hard on all of us!” because it is. 

Sure we might look fine…even happy if you will…because we are all doing our best to keep things together.  All of us, Brian, myself and Nick and Nate are all doing what we can (well, maybe not Nate – he is still in the selfish, abet warranted, age of 1 ½).  This is all we can do as there are no other options. 

There are good days and bad days. 

There are good times and bad times. 

There are times when we are yelling at each other (Tator is included in this one) and there are times that we are very understanding of each others feelings and do our best to alleviate each others stress – which there is a lot of. 

My sons miss their father. 

I miss my husband. 

Brian misses his life, his wife and his children. 

We are not always pleasant.  We are not always happy. 

We do our best to get by.  We do our best to get through.

We have awesome friends that have done so much to make the time go by, put smiles on our faces and just be the best friends that we could have…and we don’t know what we would do without them.

But by no means think that this is secular to affecting just one of us.  We are a family.  What happens to one of us happens to us all. 

That is our burden. 

That is our gift. 

That is something we wouldn’t want to live without.